My whole life, I’ve been trying to balance who I am with who I think I’m supposed to be. Years ago in a Bible study I heard a quote, but I’m sorry, I can’t find the author. “You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are who you think other people think you are.” It might be life’s greatest journey—figuring out our true identity.
I wrote my novel, Playgirl, in 1st person, present tense because much of it is autobiographical. Alena struggles with my issues, deliberates meaning of life the same way I do, anguishes over her choices in like manner. Like me, she felt like two people had been trapped inside her body her whole life.
Excerpt from Playgirl:
We can overcome if we really want to,” Tony insists, “but who says the Playgirl website is wrong? What’s wrong with looking at a beautiful man’s body? What’s wrong with the friends we’ve made at the site? Who’s getting hurt? It’s just good, clean fun, if you ask me.”
“Guess I’m not as clear about right and wrong.”
“How so?”
“All my life I’ve felt like two people were trapped inside my body. One pure, the other unclean; one a born-again Christian, the other a hedonist; one rich, the other poor; prude, nymphomaniac; wise, fool; conservative, liberal. And on and on, you get the picture?”
“Oh, my poor baby.”
“I’ve spent most of my life trying to destroy the other half of me. Problem was … I was never sure which one I really was—which half I should destroy.”
“But Precious … you don’t want to destroy any part of you. You need to bring the two sides of you into harmony.”
I sit in silence, pondering how.
For years I strove to bring into harmony the two sides of me. I was making headway, accepting my sexuality and making peace with my beliefs and roles in life. Just when I finally came to grips with who I was, I published erotica under a nom de plume. (Like you hadn’t already guessed). Approaching the authentic life, I assumed the “double life.” I confess, this has set me back. But I’ve always believed the journey of self-discovery was three steps forward, two steps back. And sometimes, that involves four or five steps back, and then I need to catch up, which I’ve been doing for most of 2009.
A turning point occurred in April at the Romantic Times Convention. For the first time I started identifying with Regina. I became Regina and was amazed by the liberation. Perhaps in this paradoxical world we live in: the only way to be truly me is to become someone else. The most astonishing evolution is taking place. Regina is teaching me to be me, to lose my inhibitions, care less about what other people think of me, take risks, live more fully, love more freely.
There are readers here who share in the pseudonym dilemma. I hope this helps. For others, I’m not suggesting you take on an assumed identity (although Facebook and Twitter allow you the freedom to do so). But I do recommend you write. Write anything that pops into your head. Write as if no one will ever read it. And then give yourself permission to change your mind. It might surprise you how good and profound your thoughts and writing are.
And I hope my experience will help others who struggle with knowing and being their true selves. Perhaps we might learn together to live in balanced harmony, not only with each other but also within ourselves.
Leave your comments and teach me. I’m open and eager to learn—embracing the journey.
Hugs,
Regina
Regina,
Thanks for the heartfelt writing. Erotica can contain many complex issues, and soul-searching; it’s rarely about pure sex. It’s good to explore those personal, and private, battles.
Brava, Regina, for writing so bravely about your struggles with these fundamental questions. While my pseudonym is more for practical reasons than identity hiding (indeed, so many people know my real identity I wonder at expending the effort to keep up the pretence sometimes), it is wonderful to feel that freedom in writing. I think nothing should be off limits when it comes to the imagination; publication is an entirely different matter. We too often censor ourselves when exploring the forbidden may be all we need do to release a fear or some previous damage.
I have written horror for years (under my real name) and I find most of the horror writers I know to be the most cheery and well-balanced folks. All their demons tend to be on the page. Yes, there is a risk when you write your dreams or your nightmares, but I have to say I fall on the side of “better to do and apologize, than to regret never trying.”
Writing is a journey of discovery — why not uncover the truth, rather than dissemble on the page? You never know how many lives you may reach, may inspire to do likewise.
I played around with pen names. And I so still use them, but I do it for professional reasons when I’m crossing genres. But this was a good post, especially the quote.
Sorry…so is do…I typed too fast
Thanks again, Ryan. Can’t tell you how much your comments mean to me. You’ve been great encouragement.
Thanks, Louisa. You are so right; writing is my sanity.
I so appreciate your kind words, C. Margery. You make some very interesting points! I now look at horror in a whole new light. Releasing fear soars to the top of my priority list! Excellent comment!
One more comment: C. Margery stated, “I find most of the horror writers I know to be the most cheery and well-balanced folks.” I can say the same for the erotica writers I have met. Not only are they well-balanced, they are the kindest, friendliest, most genuine people I know! No pretense! I find that very interesting.